Rambling

This post was inspired by a topic that came up on a message board that I frequent. I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past couple of days and wanted to fully write out my thoughts.

The question posed was “If you were put in the situation where it was medically necessary for you to choose whether to have the doctors save you OR your baby (while pregnant), what would you choose?” We’re assuming that it was a situation where it definitely had to be one or the other.

I remember talking to Josh about this a long time ago. I’m not sure how it came up that time but it was either before we were TTC or during the process and we both agreed that even though it would be a horrible situation that we’d never want to have to face (obviously) we’d choose me. We could (eventually) have other children but there could never be another me.

However, when the question came up on the message board I didn’t even hesitate to think about it. If posed with this situation right now I’d be 100% right away sure that I’d want the doctor to do everything he could do to save our baby. In the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed that my connection to this little life has grown by leaps and bounds. And I wasn’t disconnected before. Now that he’s moving basically all the time and my bump makes it impossible for me to forget that I’m carrying another life and there are baby items all over our house my love for our son has really deepened. I feel like I would do anything for him and every time I feel a little bump or a kick or a roll I’m overwhelmed by the love that I feel for him. I can’t even imagine how much that feeling will intensify when he’s actually in my arms. Knowing all of this I know that if we were put in this situation and the doctor saved me instead just knowing that we’d had the opportunity to save the baby and we’d let him go would break me. I don’t see how I could live with that….the fact that I’d chosen not to give this little one that I’ve been protecting for the past 8 months a chance.

Obviously these thoughts are based on that specific scenario that was presented as a question. I recognize that there are so many other circumstances that could come into play (and have, for so many people). I also don’t think that anyone who would choose the other way is selfish or wrong. I just know that in my mind choosing him would be the best decision for me personally. I know that there are also other factors…how hard it would be to leave Josh to raise our son by himself, etc.

I brought it up to Josh again last night and he would still choose me. He also didn’t hesitate and I don’t blame him. I know that I definitely wouldn’t want to live without him! I just thought it was interesting how much my thoughts about it have changed because of the experience that has come with being pregnant. The bond between a mother and child is really amazing.