When I got pregnant the first time both Josh and I were ecstatic. We were really optimistic and we immediately started watching Baby Story and discussing names. We talked about the baby all the time and couldn't stop talking about how happy we were for our little family to grow. When we lost that pregnancy I took it really hard. I spent days in bed crying and that really hit Josh hard, moreso than losing the baby…me just being in a state of absolute devastation. It had been an exciting but almost not yet real situation to him. I wasn't showing yet, we hadn't seen our baby on an ultrasound. The only thing that told him it was real was the billion positive pregnancy tests I'd taken and the exhausted woman who had taken the place of his wife.
The second time that I got pregnant was obviously different. Being the eternal optimist that I was/am, I got excited again immediately. I was scared but I almost felt like there was no way that we could be unlucky enough to have to go through another miscarriage. I allowed myself to dream again right away. Josh didn't react the same way. He was happy that it had happened for us but he wasn't excited yet. He wanted to take it one day at a time and be a little bit more cautious about how invested we let ourselves become. That really frustrated me and made me sad because it felt like our first miscarriage had robbed us of the right to the newly pregnant excitement that we deserved. My husband was not letting himself be excited about one of the best pieces of news that a couple could get, we were expecting a baby! After that pregnancy quickly ended I was almost thankful that he'd put up that defense mechanism because it had slowed down my over-excitement and hadn't allowed it to get very far which in turn prepared me a little bit more for it to end.
I don't know how we'll react next time I get pregnant (assuming that there is a "next time" somewhere in our future). Now that I've had 2 miscarriages I feel a lot more fear when I think about achieving a pregnancy. 1 could have been a fluke, could have had nothing to do with my rebelling body. 2 is another story. I have a paralyzing fear that I'll never be able to carry a pregnancy to term, that we'll just keep trying and it'll keep happening and eventually I'll break. I can't picture myself with a big 9 month pregnant belly. I can't picture seeing a heartbeat on an ultrasound.
When I get that next positive pregnancy test I want to be able to give it all of my excitement and happiness because that little one deserves it just as much as any other expected baby. I hope that I can still do that. I've become pretty jaded but I'm going to do whatever I can to get past that next time, even if it means more yoga or meditation or who knows what else. I'm determined. I have to believe that it will be a successful pregnancy because hope is really the only option to get through the day.
I wish that Josh would be able to be the same thing but I know him as well as I know myself and I know that isn't the way he works. The ironic part is that he has complete faith that we'll be able to have biological children…and soon. He has no doubt that there are successful pregnancies in our future. He has the faith and I have the hope.
I'm the first to admit the second pregnancy does not have the joy and the excitement of the first, the miscarriage has robbed us of that experience. My husband and I are pretty much on the same page in regards to the 2nd pregnancy, at 10 weeks we don't talk names, we don't talk nursery, we don't really talk baby, there's always an "if" placed at the beginning of sentences. If we see a heartbeat, if we make it to our next appt, if we are still pregnant, etc etc. I know it was a crippling experience for him as well as for myself and for now we're just trying to protect our hearts until we're at a point in this pregnancy where we can get comfortable, and for now that is some indeterminable point in the future. I applaud your hope that you're still able to keep hold of after 2 miscarriages.
ReplyDeleteMy DH barely seems to react to my pregnancies, or to the miscarriages that follow. He did get a little excited the first time or two, but now, neither of us is getting excited.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally get your fear that you will never carry to term. I admire you for holding on to hope. I want to be happy and enjoy every minute of each pregnancy, because I agree with you that each baby deserves that. But I also want to protect my heart. It's a delicat balancing act.
I've only had chemical pregnancies with my husband. About 13 years ago I had molar pregnancy. I know my husband is the worlds biggest optomist. I wish it would wear off on me. Suffering through IF steals so much. I guess we all handle this differenty. I'm sure it hurts our husbands to see us suffering, they have to be strong.
ReplyDeleteI can't understand what you're going through, but I just wanted to say I'm rooting for you! And I hope that when you do get another BFP you'll be able to be excited! Hell, I'll be excited for you, and I've never even met you, lol!
ReplyDelete::hugs::