Things I WILL have accomplished by Test Day #1 (2/7)

I WILL finish A Storm of Swords (the third book in the Song of Fire and Ice/aka Game of Thrones series). I'm almost 800 pages into the 1200 page book and I am enthralled!

I WILL continue with my running every day challenge…even if I get so paranoid about exercise during the TWW that it turns into 1 mile a day. Today is day 46.

I WILL buy index cards (in different colors) to start a memory jar. I already have my mason jar ready!

Source

I WILL make gluten free cinnamon rolls. I think this one will prove to be a bit of a challenge.

No more crying wolf! My Two Week Wait Plan

Since I was completely wrong last time I thought that I had ovulated...I waited for confirmation before I mentioned it again here on the blog. After my third high temperature this morning though I'm completely confident that I am, in fact, 3DPO. Yay! The weight has been lifted and now all that's left to do is wait.

Unfortunately, waiting is not my forte. Not even close. I'm a pretty impatient person and I'm not in denial about it. I don't even pretend to be patient because everyone who knows me would know that it was all completely fake. So here I am, in a position where all I that I have left to do is wait. What do I do in this position? I ignore that I can do nothing to control anything and I plan! Of course :)

1-3DPO was spent hoping that this was actually it, that I'd actually O'd. I lived from morning to morning, waiting on just that next temperature. Now that that's over I can focus on freaking out about being pregnant or not.

3DPO/Tuesday, 1.31.2012- At home date night with Josh!! We are going on a run outside together, making pulled pork and playing card games...maybe catching up on American Idol from last week.

 

4DPO/Wednesday, 2.1.2012- Spin class in the morning (I've decided to still go but I am going to lower my intensity), homemade Chipotle burrito bowls for dinner, bike ride with Josh.

 

5DPO/Thursday, 2.2.2012- Dinner at my mother in law's house. I'm teaching her how to make salmon patties because she's trying to cut red meat out of her diet and is looking for new dinner options.

 

6DPO/Friday, 2.3.2012- Casual Friday at work (YAY for jeans!), sister night! We're going to go see the new movie One For the Money.

 

7DPO/Saturday, 2.4.2012- Morning spin class with yoga following. I'm sure I'll be practically bursting by then and could use the relaxation! 7DPO bloodtest. Saturday night is date night with Josh. We haven't gone out for a date night in awhile and I'm really excited!

 

8DPO/Superbowl Sunday, 2.5.2012- Church and then a superbowl party with our friends back where we used to live. We'll be making the drive to spend the day with them and I really miss spending every Wednesday night with them like we did when we lived up there!

 

9DPO/Monday, 2.6.2012- YOGA! Hopefully I'll be getting my bloodtest results. Fingers crossed. We're checking progesterone and thyroid.

 

10DPO/Tuesday, 2.7.2012- Test Day #1!!!! From here on out it'll be just surviving. If Tuesday gives me a BFN I'll be testing again every 2 days or until AF shows. I already have a lab slip for a 16DPO beta if it gets that far.

The outlook on life that I strive for...

"If my world were to cave in tomorrow,
I would look back on all the pleasures, excitements and worthwhilenesses
I have been lucky enough to have had.
Not the sadness, not my miscarriages or my father leaving home,
but the joy of everything else.
It will have been enough."

-Audrey Hepburn 

 Source

Source

False Alarm

The reason I haven't posted my TWW plan post yet is because….I haven't actually O'd. *Head to desk*. I feel like the girl who cried wolf but oh well, what can you do?

My temperature SHOT up on Tuesday morning, eliciting my excited I'm in the two week wait finally (!!!!) thoughts. On Tuesday night I was really restless and woke up a few times (I get up at 4:50 for spin on Wednesday mornings and I never sleep well on Tuesday nights, awake every hour. I think it's because I’m nervous that I won't wake up or my alarm won't go off.) so when my temperature was low on Wednesday morning I was worried because that's just what my mental state usually is but I tried not to freak out because I knew I wouldn't know anything until this morning's temperature.

And then my temperature this morning was still low, pre-ovulation style. I also had egg-white CM last night so all signs point to still waiting for ovulation. So exciting.

I have a theory about one of my ovaries being sluggish and this is proving that theory right. In October after my chemical I didn't ovulate until day 29. I thought it was just delayed because of the chemical but I'm pretty sure that was the slow ovary at work. (I still think it was delayed a little by my chemical since AF that month was 9 days instead of 5 but I don't think it was all the chemical's fault.)

And so we continue to wait.

A Different Crazy

As of today at 5am we're moving on to a different crazy. I ovulated, yay! The worrying about timing, etc. has already set in but right now I'm feeling pretty good.

Yesterday I felt tired and anxious and that's all gone today. It's amazing how what used to be "that evil thermometer" turned into my best friend with just seven tenths of a degree.

My plan to survive this two week wait is coming soon, I just wanted to update with the positive news!

Things I've been up to

Last Thursday night I took the online test for Jeopardy. I'm fairly sure that I failed, even though I know almost all of the answers on the actual show. The online test questions were really hard! It was fun to hear the actual Jeopardy music while the test was going though, it made me really nervous! My heart was racing! I'm officially a nerd :)

Saturday started off with an early morning spin class and then a whole troop of us (Josh's dad, my mom, Josh's brother, my sister, Josh and I) drove up to our old house armed with cleaning supplies. The plan was to deep clean (the girls) and finish off some projects that need to get done before we can bring in a renter (the boys). Unfortunately when we arrived we found that the house had been broken into sometime during the last week. Luckily we'd moved almost everything out already but they got our Dyson vacuum (a wedding gift that I loved dearly!), our expensive food saver that Josh just had to have and we hadn't yet used, a bunch of change and some random smaller things. They'd broken a window to get in and tore apart all of the trash bags that we had in the house. Trash was all over and it was a really intimidating sight. We called the police but it took them a little over an hour to get there and we were basically in limbo until they saw everything, took pictures and checked for fingerprints. After the very nice police officer left we were able to get all of the cleaning done but we stayed up there much later than we thought we would because of the delays. It was nice to spend the day with my mom and sister though, even if it meant chatting while scrubbing tubs!

I miss our kitchen :(

Yesterday we went to church and then I went to my cousin's baby shower. That was very rough emotionally since she is due 2 weeks before my original due date. I've been feeling really anxious and emotional with the due date coming up anyway and us still not being in the middle of a pregnancy so on top of those nerves and emotions the shower was hard. My cousin is a few years older than me and almost all of her friends have kids so it was constant birth story comparisons and crazy toddler stories. I got through it though and felt like I deserved a reward so I joined my sister at Panera for a late lunch. Their BBQ chicken salad is definitely a spirit lifter.

While I was at the shower Josh and his dad went up to finish the house projects that they'd started on Saturday only to find out that we'd been broken into again overnight. They took the last of the stuff that was there along with our old BBQ. Since Josh had to deal with waiting for the police and all of that again it was a trying day for both of us.

We finished the weekend with a walk in the misty almost rain to the grocery store and back before we just collapsed into bed, exhausted. Definitely not a relaxing weekend! I also didn't ovulate, still haven't had a temperature shift and am about a hair away from an emotional breakdown about that. But we're carrying on and seeing what tomorrow brings. 

Rambling

When I got pregnant the first time both Josh and I were ecstatic. We were really optimistic and we immediately started watching Baby Story and discussing names. We talked about the baby all the time and couldn't stop talking about how happy we were for our little family to grow. When we lost that pregnancy I took it really hard. I spent days in bed crying and that really hit Josh hard, moreso than losing the baby…me just being in a state of absolute devastation. It had been an exciting but almost not yet real situation to him. I wasn't showing yet, we hadn't seen our baby on an ultrasound. The only thing that told him it was real was the billion positive pregnancy tests I'd taken and the exhausted woman who had taken the place of his wife.

The second time that I got pregnant was obviously different. Being the eternal optimist that I was/am, I got excited again immediately. I was scared but I almost felt like there was no way that we could be unlucky enough to have to go through another miscarriage. I allowed myself to dream again right away. Josh didn't react the same way. He was happy that it had happened for us but he wasn't excited yet. He wanted to take it one day at a time and be a little bit more cautious about how invested we let ourselves become. That really frustrated me and made me sad because it felt like our first miscarriage had robbed us of the right to the newly pregnant excitement that we deserved. My husband was not letting himself be excited about one of the best pieces of news that a couple could get, we were expecting a baby! After that pregnancy quickly ended I was almost thankful that he'd put up that defense mechanism because it had slowed down my over-excitement and hadn't allowed it to get very far which in turn prepared me a little bit more for it to end.

I don't know how we'll react next time I get pregnant (assuming that there is a "next time" somewhere in our future). Now that I've had 2 miscarriages I feel a lot more fear when I think about achieving a pregnancy. 1 could have been a fluke, could have had nothing to do with my rebelling body. 2 is another story. I have a paralyzing fear that I'll never be able to carry a pregnancy to term, that we'll just keep trying and it'll keep happening and eventually I'll break. I can't picture myself with a big 9 month pregnant belly. I can't picture seeing a heartbeat on an ultrasound.

 When I get that next positive pregnancy test I want to be able to give it all of my excitement and happiness because that little one deserves it just as much as any other expected baby. I hope that I can still do that. I've become pretty jaded but I'm going to do whatever I can to get past that next time, even if it means more yoga or meditation or who knows what else. I'm determined. I have to believe that it will be a successful pregnancy because hope is really the only option to get through the day.

I wish that Josh would be able to be the same thing but I know him as well as I know myself and I know that isn't the way he works. The ironic part is that he has complete faith that we'll be able to have biological children…and soon. He has no doubt that there are successful pregnancies in our future. He has the faith and I have the hope.

If you've had a miscarriage before, how did your husband react to the whole situation? To future pregnancies?

Cycle Day 17

Salmon patties. Sweet potato fries. Roasted Asparagus and almonds.

Negative OPKs.

Coldplay "Paradise" station on Pandora.

3 mile treadmill run (Day 32 of my every day running challenge complete!!!!).

This week's episode of Parenthood from the DVR.

 An early bedtime.

Just waiting to ovulate....

I'm looking forward to.... A Chipotle lunch date with my Mom tomorrow,  watching this week's episode of Biggest Loser (also recorded on the DVR), at home date night with Josh, longer run for the week (5 miles...not too long but long-ish) and a relaxing weekend. And maybe O? We'll just have to wait and see.

Still in limbo

I feel so boring because I can't think of any interesting things. The only thing that I can really think about is my current pre-ovulation status and how ready I am to move on.

For me this post-AF, pre-O section of my cycle is the worst on my nerves. Usually it's harder for me than the two week wait even. During the two week wait it's all out of my hands. I know that at the end I'll either be pregnant or I won't but there's nothing more that I can really do. The weight is lifted off my shoulders and all that is left is to wait.

I actually really enjoy the two week wait because with it there's a teensy bit of hope. I've become a lot more jaded towards that hope as time has gone on but as hard as I try to nip it in the bud....a little bit always leaks through. 

Right now I still have a *little* control and having that responsibility when the end result is so precious really stresses me out. I'm exhausted and the only thing I can think about is how wonderful it will be when my evil little thermometer actually gives me good news. 

Ways I distract myself so I don't become obsessive compulsive

Yesterday morning I woke up and POAS (pee'd on a stick). It was a negative OPK but still really dark. My temperature didn't go up so I knew that I hadn't ovulated. I don't do well with this part of the cycle. This is the part that, even more than the two week wait, brings out my inner crazy. How did I handle the rest of the day?

I went on a run. 

I went to church and lunch with Josh and my father-in-law and my 2 brothers in law.

 We came home and I pee'd on a stick...again. 

I turned on the movie Julie and Julia to distract myself. Unfortunately I'd forgotten that the movie had an underlying infertility theme. It really only depressed me.

 I gave myself a DIY mani-pedi.

I went on Facebook. That was a huge fail because one of my friends had just posted a 30 picture pregnancy album that included ultrasound pictures, a maternity shoot and pictures from their recent babymoon. I may have thrown my phone across the room more than once.

I cried. I did. I had a complete emotional breakdown while analyzing pictures of OPKs and blowing on my nails trying to help them dry.

I ran again. While we were wedding planning and I'd get extremely stressed out all I'd really need was a run. Afterward I'd feel much better. I figured it was worth a try but it didn't work this time. Shoot.

I gave up trying to distract myself, made dinner (breakfast!!!) and watched a comedian (Jim Gaffigan) with Josh. I laughed so hard that I cried and somewhere in the middle my funk just lifted off my shoulders and I'd gotten through the worst.

This morning I took my temperature and it's still pre-ovulation so I'm positive that it hasn't happened yet. I also POAS (shocking...) and the OPK is still pretty dark so we're just waiting it out. The only thing that really worries me is that I haven't had any real CM to speak of for the past few days. I guess all I can do is wait it out now!

Out of nowhere....

I got an almost positive OPK today? On cycle day 13?

  In the months and months that I've been charting I've never ovulated earlier than day 21. Not one single time. I've been having withdrawals since it's been so long since I peed on a stick of any kind so I talked Josh into letting me try out an OPK today and I got this.

I'm guessing that it'll be fully positive by the morning, something I definitely wasn't expecting. So instead of having about a week until O I probably have about 24 hours. Crazy.

I haven't had any egg-white CM (TMI? Probably) so I'm still waiting for that to show but it looks like we're officially getting this show on the road!

Things that I'm loving right now

1. These shoes. I bought them the day before Christmas when I was picking up a last minute gift for my brother in law and I've honestly been almost living in them every day since. I just cannot talk myself into wearing heels when these are the alternative. It's these or boots and that's all.

2. The book Matched by Ally Condie. Wow. I was completely sucked into this book and that hasn't  happened to me in awhile. I really enjoyed the Hunger Games series and this book seemed like a cross between that and the tried and true classic, The Giver. Apparently Matched is part of a trilogy but I've only read the first book so far. I started it earlier this week and had trouble putting it down. Luckily, since I have my handy dandy Kindle, I can download the second book in the trilogy right away and I plan on doing that a little later this afternoon after I finish up some things around the house.

3. Spin. I know I've mentioned it quite a few times lately but it's one of my new favorite workouts. After experimenting with some different instructors this week my sister and I have decided that we definitely have a favorite. Since we don't want our running to lose any steam because of spin we've decided to go to spin twice a week (the days that our favorite instructor teaches) as a little treat. 

 4. Being in the same town as our families. Last week we were able to go to my mom's house to celebrate my brother's birthday without worrying about having to drive home on a work night. We were able to go out with Josh's family to celebrate his sister's birthday (January is a big birthday month for our family). It's so nice to be able to spend more time with them. It really energizes us.

.

5. Pinterest. Some days I get sucked in for just hours! It's like this beautiful perfect world where all food is delicious and your home/outfits are perfectly color coordinated, classy and DIY! There's no other place where you can find a great cookbook recommendation, words to calm your soul or a recipe suggestion that changes your dinner plans in a split second.

6. This quiet weekend. We only have 1 plan for this weekend and that is church tomorrow morning. Today we were planning on going up to clean our house before we show it to potential renters but that was rescheduled to next weekend due to truck/extra manpower availability leaving us with a free day. Josh is working on projects around the house with his dad while I am tidying everything up, doing some laundry and hopefully jumping into the Matched sequel. We may go catch a movie tonight since we have some theater gift cards from Christmas but we may not...and that's okay. Having no plans is the perfect plan in my eyes for this weekend.

Just in case we go to the movies, does anyone have a good recommendation? I saw We Bought A Zoo with my sister last weekend and LOVED it! I'm tempted to encourage Josh to take me to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D...

Second guessing everything

I just thought it all out this morning and for the first time realized that even though we've taken just 2 cycles off we haven't actively tried to get pregnant since SEPTEMBER. This is January. That seems like a really long time and it definitely explains the way that I've been feeling lately. I'm straight up scared. I'm second guessing how to do everything this cycle.

As I was rambling to one of my best TTC friends this morning about all of my concerns she said something that really defined it for me. It feels like it's been so long since we've actually been trying and I've completely built up this first cycle "back" in my head to the point where I feel like everything has to be absolutely perfect so that it's successful.

I definitely feel that pressure. When we were trying every month I had a set plan and I never really thought twice about it. I started taking OPKs the day after my period ended. We baby danced as much as we could, most of the time every day in the week leading up to O and the day after. I did incline walking every day plus some strength training during the two week wait but I cut out my normal running routine. I cut out alcohol during the two week wait. All very plain and simple.

This time I just have so many questions about what the best thing to do would be. I haven't started OPKs yet and I'm already more than halfway to ovulation. I'm terrified about the whole when to do it question…is every day too much? Would we get better quality if we skipped a day? We have no reason at all to doubt the little men but I'm just so paranoid. Should I keep doing spin during the two week wait? I'd hate to give up my new favorite workout but I workout really hard and get pretty warm. Is it too much? I'm still cutting alcohol. I'm taking all of my pills (last time I counted we were at 12 a day…fun!) and will continue to religiously.

For the past few months I've gotten through the time off cycles by just telling myself that we were spending the time making everything perfect to try again so that we have great success right away and a sticky pregnancy. Now that the cycle is here instead of in the indefinite future it's starting to hit me that it may not work. I may not get pregnant this month. I may get pregnant and miscarry again. Those fears scare me so much that I've gone into complete control freak mode and don't know how to turn it off!

Any suggestions on how to bring myself down a notch? Or thoughts on those questions that I've been obsessing over? Deep breaths...

Just a little bit of everything

Being busy really makes the month/cycle go by SO fast it's amazing. I'm now on CD8 and feel like the cycle just started yesterday.

For most people this would be the exciting week before O where you do what you can to get some little men ready to stick. Unfortunately, I’m a late ovulater so my bet is that I still have 2 weeks before I ovulate. It tends to happen on days 21 or 22 for me and it's been fairly consistent so I'm guessing that it'll stick.

This may be TMI (isn't this whole topic??) but AF this month was different than normal. I don't know if one acupuncture session could make a difference or if it's because my progesterone is balancing out due to my thyroid straightening out but whatever did it, I'll take it. I had no spotting before, AF just showed up right on time on 15DPO first thing in the morning. I usually also spot on CD5 but this time that day was still full fledged AF. On day 6 I spotted a tiny bit in the morning but then AF was just…over. Usually I spend 1 or 2 days at the end just spotting and I was really surprised about how it all worked out this month. Hopefully it means that everything was cleaned out well so that we can build a fabulous lining this month to get a sticky bean!

On that note, I'm a pretty solid mix of absolutely terrified and excited. I kind of feel some of the early TTC excitement coming back, probably because we've had a few months off. At the same time I'm extremely jaded by both my experiences of this past year and of the experiences of so many women that I've come to "know" in this process. I feel like I was so lucky to conceive twice pretty quickly, what if our luck has run out and now we have problems with that aspect too? Josh is really optimistic and that's rubbing off but I still have a huge ball of anxiety in my gut.

At the moment I'm focusing on other things. We're still getting settled after the move and I also just joined a gym in our new town so I've been spending quite a bit of time exploring the classes there and what they have to offer. I've fallen completely in love with spin classes, I actually went to one at 5:30 this morning before work, which is completely out of character. I am not a morning person. I'm also enjoying the yoga classes that they offer but my love affair with yoga is nothing new!

This has basically just been a ramble to catch up so consider us caught up ;)

**By the way, I loved reading the responses on my diet post!! Hope, I just bought the cookbook that you mentioned in your comment and I'm so excited to try it out! Baking is one of my one true loves and I've really missed it! Amy and Toni, at first I thought I was just going to give it a few weeks to see how it felt but now it's legitimately one of the best decisions I've made during this process and it's definitely worth a try!

How my diet has changed

I've always had some stomach issues and have kind of waffled between thinking that they are lactose issues or a gluten sensitivity.

I gave up dairy in April and never really looked back. I had more energy and the month after I cut it out of my diet I had signs of natural ovulation for the first time. It may have been a coincidence but I didn't want to chance it so I just continued with my dairy-free diet. I also wasn't eating a lot of meat just because it isn't something that I really crave or enjoy. I did (and still do) eat basically just a lot of chicken and light fish.

When I was diagnosed with thyroid issues last month I did a lot of research. I tend to over-research things and since I'm such a mega control freak I also tend to try to find things that I can personally do to help so that I can feel like I'm doing something other than swallowing some pills. That's why I tried acupuncture and also why I read books on natural ways to increase your fertility like they're going out of style. When I started seeing mentions here and there of how a gluten free diet has had a positive impact on other people's symptoms I became intrigued. A little light clicked on and I thought of my still present (even with my dairy cut out) and persistent stomach issues. When I read what the symptoms of a gluten intolerance could be I started considering trying to leave it behind along with the dairy. I briefly thought about just being medically tested for it but from what I've read it seems like the easiest way to diagnose a problem is by following a gluten free diet and get your answer through how your symptoms improve (or don't).

• Abdominal Distention
• Abdominal Pain and Cramping
• Alternating Bouts of Diarrhea and Constipation
• Anemia
• Arthritis
• Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
• Autism
• Bloating (see Gluten Intolerance Bloating)
• Bone Density Loss
• Borborygmi (stomach rumbling)
• Constipation (see Celiac Disease Constipation)
• Stunted Growth and Failure to Thrive
• Depression, Anxiety and Irritability (see Celiac Depression)
• Dermatitis Herpetiformis (skin rash — see my Dermatitis Herpetiformis article)
• Diabetes
• Diarrhea
• Fatigue
• Malodorous Flatulence
• Malodorous Stools
• Gluten Ataxia (see my Gluten Ataxia article)
• Grayish Stools
• Hair Loss (Alopecia)
• Headaches and Migraines
• Hypoglycemia
• Infertility
• Joint pain
• Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis
• Lactose intolerance
• Mouth sores or mouth ulcers
• Nausea
• Numbness or tingling in the patient’s hands and feet
• Osteoporosis
• Peripheral Neuropathy (including either a tingling or sensation of swelling your toes and fingers)
• Sjogren’s Disease
• Steatorrhea (high lipids in the stool, which may cause the stool to float)
• Teeth and Gum Problems
• Turner Syndrome
• Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies
• Vomiting
• Unexplained Weight loss

Source

So I did it. Like I do most things I jumped right in with both feet and cut all the gluten from my diet as of the next day. It's been about a month now and I can honestly say that I haven't cheated at all. Overall, I feel much better. My digestion issues seem to have really improved and I feel like I have a lot more energy. The fact that my thyroid number came back fabulous doesn't hurt either.

I didn't realize how much gluten was present in my diet until I gave it up but since I did I've had a lot of fun experimenting with new recipes and cooking/baking methods (recipes to come soooooon). Another good effect has been that I've been forced to concentrate on vegetables and animal protein. I think that that, in turn, has had an effect on my anemia and general lack of nutrients. I also attempt to eat a low GI diet (recommended for us lucky PCOSers because of insulin resistance) and the fact that I can't eat gluten has definitely made that easier as well.

All in all, I'm going to stick with it. Are there any other gluten free ladies out there? Have you seen any health changes come from it?

We're still alive!

Well we survived moving weekend!!!! Barely….

I was PMS-y and that combined with my normal control freak behavior got to be a little much at some points but I think that Josh handled it well. We hit some road bumps with storage unit/U-Haul rental hours due to the holiday but it all worked out.

We spent all day Saturday packing and loading the big items into the truck that we rented (27 feet….huuuuge) and at about 8pm we called it quits and headed to my parents' house to ring in the new year. We resumed on Sunday and didn't get to the house in Fresno with the loaded U-Haul until 10:30pm. There were some things that we are keeping at my father in law's house instead of in the storage unit (an extra fridge, some bookshelves, my treadmill, etc.) and those things still needed to be unloaded so by the time we finished with that it was a little after midnight. The boys left at 6:30 Monday morning to take the truck over to our storage unit and unpack everything. I got up a little after that and started what turned into a long day of organizing.

With a break for brunch with the boys and a break to check out the new natural foods store in town with my sister the day was manageable and I am so thankful that it's all done. I don't handle things being in a state of disarray well at all, it just makes me anxious and irritable.

I told Josh that I never want to move again but obviously since we're with my father in law for the time being we'll probably be moving again in just a few short months. At this point I don't even care where we're living right now, I'm just thankful to be settled somewhere!

AF showed up right on time after a picture perfect 14 day luteal phase yesterday morning so today is day 2 of our first trying cycle since September!!!! Hopefully I'll be ovulating within the next few weeks and headed in the right direction again :)