Sad.

I've been a little scarce on here for the past week because Josh and I have been on quite an emotional roller coaster. I think I've come to terms with it though so I can finally write this post without spurring an emotional breakdown (I think).

Last Wednesday, 12 days past my ovulation day (12 DPO), we got a teeny tiny barely there line on a home pregnancy test. At first I thought that my mind was playing tricks on me but Josh could see the line too!

I immediately texted my doctor. I'm SO lucky that I'm able to do this since my doctor is a family friend and someone who has been working with me charting-wise and with my PCOS for years. She had me go in for a blood test.

The next day the results came in and, lo and behold, it was positive. My HCG was still pretty low. It was 15 and anything over 5 is considered positive but doctors don't usually acknowledge it as confirmed pregnancy until you hit 25 or 50.

Josh and I gave ourselves permission to be cautiously excited. We talked about baby names again, I slowed down on the exercise and we were happy. I was having cramps but everything pointed towards that being perfectly normal.

I was feeling very scared but also positive. Until I went to the bathroom late Saturday night and realized that I was spotting. I completely fell apart. I was reminded of the morning in July when I experienced the same thing and the panic once again set in. Still, it was barely there and again my google searches reassured me that it could be completely normal….blood left over from implantation, etc. When it was still barely there on Sunday night I allowed myself to start hoping for the best.

 I took a First Response test on Saturday and it very quickly came up positive. I took another one on Sunday night when I'd already been spotting for 24 hours and it came up even faster and the line was already much darker than it was on Saturday.

 But last night, Monday, ths spotting turned red and turned into a lot more than "barely there." I had to come to terms with the fact that in all probability we are probably losing our baby….again.

I know that this isn't exactly an eloquent post but it was something that I had to share because it's what we're dealing with right now as another road bump. I'm sad, disappointed and not very hopeful for the future. I'll post more about what this means medically for our journey to baby and why exactly I'm feeling the way I am right now. But that post will come later. For now, the important thing is that it's out. The past few days have been really hard for Josh and I but I'm sure that it'll eventually get better. We've gotten through it before and we will again.