Hit With a Bombshell

I was lucky in that my PCOS diagnosis came early. I was 16 when my doctor first broached the subject. I was confused at the time but as she listed off the symptoms it definitely made a lot of sense. I had very irregular periods which were the reason for the appointment in the first place, I was experiencing pretty severe depression, I had gained a lot of weight, I had a lot of unwelcome hairs popping up on my face and right before my period came I was used to having some pretty severe pain.

Even though I was only 16 and years away from thinking about marriage and children I was really emotionally affected when the doctor said those daunting words…possible infertility.

When I was growing up my opinions about what I wanted to be changed pretty often. One day it was an author, another it was a model (ha), and yet another it was a marine biologist. The only thing that never ever waivered was that I wanted with all of my heart to raise a family. I wanted to experience the birth of my children, know what it felt like to carry them for 9 months and then hold them in my arms, wipe their sniffly noses, cheer at their soccer games, chaperone their proms (maybe not), attend their marriages and watch them raise families of their own. I've always felt a yearning to be a mother.

For that reason, I was really scared about my diagnosis. I knew that my doctor was amazing and had done a lot of research on PCOS but there was still just an overwhelming fear that I would never have my deepest desire. Over the next few days I thought about it a lot. I distinctly remember having an AP Biology class the next afternoon where we discussed the female reproductive system and I remember being so jealous already of all of the girls sitting in my class who would be able to just take their fertility for granted. I was already preparing myself for the struggle.

I worried that any man I fell in love with would be put off by my fertility issues. I worried that I'd end up alone because of it. Obviously my paranoid and overly anxious personality had already taken hold!

Luckily I dug in, did some research and today my PCOS is a lot more regulated. It's far from under control and some of those fears are very much still here but I have found things that help me. Through those things, I've been able to grab and hang onto a smidgen of hope for that pot at the end of the rainbow.

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