How I'm feeling

    I really don’t want to sound like I’m always sad but I wanted to write this post while everything is still fresh so that I can look back and remember how exactly the whole thing made me feel. I have an appointment with my amazing doctor tomorrow to look at my charts, order some labs and talk about additional medications that can be helpful so hopefully I’ll be feeling a lot more optimistic then. So here goes….

DISAPPOINTED- I’m disappointed that we won’t be able to meet  our little Junebug. I’m disappointed that I let myself get excited when my doctor didn’t sound  very optimistic. This sounds shallow but I’m really disappointed that I no longer have an end in sight of working at my current job. I’m so looking forward to being a stay at home mom and the fact that the “start date” for that is back to indefinite is really depressing to me.

SCARED- This is probably the biggest thing that I’ve been feeling for the past few days. After my first miscarriage I talked myself into thinking that it was a fluke and we’d “paid our dues” and that we wouldn’t have problems again. I know that it wasn’t logical because of my known issues but it helped me feel positive for the future. When I started spotting I felt absolutely terrified mostly for the overall picture. Since this will be my second consecutive miscarriage does that mean that no pregnancy that we ever achieve will be a success? I was/still am scared that my husband will never get to hold a little baby boy who looks like him, that we’ll never get to hear the heartbeat of a baby that’s biologically ours, that we’ll never be able to feel our baby kicking and growing through a pregnancy, that we’ll never know the feeling of meeting and raising a life that we’ve created. For someone whose biggest dream has always been motherhood those fears were/are absolutely paralyzing.

HEARTBROKEN- I’m heartbroken that we now have 2 angel babies. I’m so sad that my body caused this to happen. Sitting here now with cramps and abdominal pain, knowing that my body is pushing out the lining that’s supposed to be supporting our baby and knowing that I can’t do anything about it to keep our baby with us is overwhelming.

TIRED- For the past few days everything has been completely hitting me at night. Josh and I have spent what should be our bedtime hours talking this out while I have emotional breakdowns that seem to never end. I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally.

GUILTY- I know that there’s nothing that I could’ve done to stop this from happening but I feel guilty that it was my body’s fault. It’s not a rational guilt but it’s there. I also feel really guilty for being so angry. I’m feeling really bitter about all of this and I feel horrible about it!

That about sums it up! There are some things that I’ve been trying to focus on to make myself feel more positive…I’ve signed up for a half marathon relay with my sister on November 6^th and I can’t wait to have a plan tomorrow! I’m letting myself be sad but I’m also trying to focus on forward motion and I think that’s really helping.

Of course, having the support of this guy always helps too...