When I got pregnant for the first time last July Josh and I decided that we weren't going to tell anyone until between 10 and 12 weeks, once we figured we'd feel pretty comfortable with the viability of the pregnancy. When I started spotting we hadn't told anyone but I was dying to call my mom or mother in law to get their opinion on what I should do. I think it made it worse that I couldn't do that because I just felt isolated in my extreme fear with only Josh (who was just as scared as I was) knowing what was going on.
After I'd been bleeding 2 days, staying home from work and ignoring calls from my mom because I just knew I'd burst into tears and let the cat out of the bag, I had an ultrasound. There was no heartbeat and it was confirmed that I was probably miscarrying. I'll never forget sitting in the car afterward while Josh was at work and calling my mom. As soon as she answered the phone I started crying, somehow was able to get something out along the lines of I was pregnant and had lost the baby. She told me to come home right away, she was pulling brownies out of the oven and she'd take care of me.
I was put on bedrest and my mom driving me back and forth to appointments and her emotional support during that week still means so much to me. The night after we told my mom we also called Josh's parents and told them what was going on so they could be praying for us and so that they'd be aware of what we were going through. We spend a lot of time with our families and if they hadn't known what was going on it would've made the process even harder.
Because of that experience we decided to tell our parents and siblings early this time, knowing that we will need their support no matter what happens and if we were going to tell them anyway we wanted to be able to tell them when the news was still exciting instead of heartbreaking. We told my parents and Josh's dad last Sunday. It felt really good.
We're telling Josh's mom and stepdad tonight and a big part of me is still nervous about it, like the more people that we tell the scarier it gets. What if right after we tell them we go home and I start spotting? What if they don't get excited because they're scared about how this story ends too? What if telling more people just jinxes everything?
Since you can't live for what ifs we are going through with breaking the news to 2 more people tonight but I'm scared. For those of you who have had losses before, did it make you more hesitant to tell people the next time around or more sure that the support was what you needed? If you did tell people how did they react, with excitement or with the same apprehension that you have?
After I'd been bleeding 2 days, staying home from work and ignoring calls from my mom because I just knew I'd burst into tears and let the cat out of the bag, I had an ultrasound. There was no heartbeat and it was confirmed that I was probably miscarrying. I'll never forget sitting in the car afterward while Josh was at work and calling my mom. As soon as she answered the phone I started crying, somehow was able to get something out along the lines of I was pregnant and had lost the baby. She told me to come home right away, she was pulling brownies out of the oven and she'd take care of me.
I was put on bedrest and my mom driving me back and forth to appointments and her emotional support during that week still means so much to me. The night after we told my mom we also called Josh's parents and told them what was going on so they could be praying for us and so that they'd be aware of what we were going through. We spend a lot of time with our families and if they hadn't known what was going on it would've made the process even harder.
Because of that experience we decided to tell our parents and siblings early this time, knowing that we will need their support no matter what happens and if we were going to tell them anyway we wanted to be able to tell them when the news was still exciting instead of heartbreaking. We told my parents and Josh's dad last Sunday. It felt really good.
We're telling Josh's mom and stepdad tonight and a big part of me is still nervous about it, like the more people that we tell the scarier it gets. What if right after we tell them we go home and I start spotting? What if they don't get excited because they're scared about how this story ends too? What if telling more people just jinxes everything?
Since you can't live for what ifs we are going through with breaking the news to 2 more people tonight but I'm scared. For those of you who have had losses before, did it make you more hesitant to tell people the next time around or more sure that the support was what you needed? If you did tell people how did they react, with excitement or with the same apprehension that you have?
I think it makes total sense to tell early. They are people that are close to you and will need to know what is going on with you no matter what happens. When I had the chemical pg, I wanted people to know because it was a big upsetting deal for me and I needed the support... I can't answer your final question, but I will definitely also tell people if I get pregnant again.
ReplyDeleteWith the 2nd pregnancy I was hesitant to tell the families because I felt like they had the most to lose from the situation, like it was their grand baby, their niece or nephew, their cousin, etc. and i didn't want to get their hopes up just to dash them. But since we found out around Christmas I couldn't NOT do a big Christmas surprise because how often does that happen? So we told them at 6 weeks and some odd days. I made sure to tell my girlfriends who had been with me through the first miscarriage about the 2nd pregnancy early just in case we lost the 2nd and I needed the support again. What I have NOT done with round 2 is announce on Facebook. With first pregnancy we announced right at 12 weeks and then lost the baby the next day so even though we're at 14 weeks i'm nowhere near ready to make another Facebook announcement.
ReplyDeleteThe families are excited but there is a definite apprehension that I think might be something that WE have caused for them. They don't call and ask how I'm feeling, they don't talk about the baby because WE don't talk about the baby, things like that that they definitely did do the first time around. I feel shitty that I made them feel like they can't call and chat to me about the pregnancy, but hey, I needed to do what i needed to do to protect me heart.
We didn't tell our families the first time around. We wanted to wait until we went to the first appointment-- and it was at that appointment that we learned the baby was small and probably not going to make it. I wanted to tell my mom, because we are close, but my D&C was in the midst of her traveling for a nephew's baby shower and the birth of a sibling's baby. So there were lots of happy baby-times going on, and I couldn't bring her down with my news. Plus, talking about it made it worse for me.
ReplyDeleteThis time around, we were very hesitant to tell people. We waited until 11 weeks to tell our family. Partly because of the timing of the holiday, but partly because I wanted to be sure. I actually scheduled a "check in" ultrasound 2 days before we told our families, for that extra bit of confidence I received by seeing him on the ultrasound. We waited until about 17 weeks for work & friends (some of it was due to timing when we could tell our bosses). Every time we told people, I'd feel a little anxious.
It is finally getting easier -- at almost 19 weeks!
I think it is great for you to tell your families early. And the anxiety is completely normal! The good news is that it DOES get better.
For me, once we told everyone, it just feels EASIER. I still hold my breath before an appointment, hoping that everything is ok. But now I feel good about this pregnancy!