I've been doing my best to stay positive both in real life and on the blog lately…but I had a rough night last night. It was probably one of my worst emotional breakdowns since the last MC/chemical pregnancy.
I've had a lot of issues with pregnancy jealousy. It's something that I hate about my feelings right now and something I'm constantly trying to mentally work through. I've had quite a few opportunities to "work" on it because after the first miscarriage I had a friend and cousin who were about ready to give birth, another cousin who had just announced her pregnancy and a very close friend who announced that she was pregnant 2 weeks after we lost our baby.
Being around all of those people has been a real difficulty for me and the hardest part is that other people don't really get it. My mom and my sister know about my miscarriages but they think it's odd that I'm hesitant to hang out with my cousins or friends. To me it's completely natural. Sure, I feel that hesitation but 9 times out of 10 I suck it up and spend time with them and I'm usually glad that I did.
Last night was one of the only instances where I wish I'd have stayed home. Josh and I are really involved with a group of young(ish) married couples. We all get together at least once, sometimes twice, a week. Last night we were all hanging out and the wives kind of separated off and were talking. Out of 4 of us there 2 are pregnant. My original due date was March 13th. Their due dates are February 20th and March 27th. I cannot even describe how difficult it was when the talk was focused on babies, birth, nurseries and how everything always works out in perfect time. I love babies, I love researching birth options, I have multiple inspiration boards for future nurseries and I really do believe that everything does happen for a reason. But for some reason, those conversations hit me really hard last night. It's probably because they've gotten to the obviously pregnant point and I can only imagine what my bump would look like right now if nothing had gone wrong. It just hit me that I should be there too. It should be me joining in the conversation about how much weight I've gained or how big the baby is measuring.
I've been doing so much better lately at looking towards the future lately but last night was really a kick back down. As soon as we got in the car I had a complete breakdown and Josh held my hand while we made the drive home as I was sobbing. I cried brushing my teeth before bed.
This morning I woke up and decided to move forward. I picked myself up and am focusing on the fact that in 3 more days I get to have my first blood draw and finally start us on the path to getting answers. But no matter how positive I am that doesn't really make it better.
I'm sorry this is a novel but it just really needed to get out and now that I've written it I already feel a teensy bit better. Here's to just moving on.
I've had a lot of issues with pregnancy jealousy. It's something that I hate about my feelings right now and something I'm constantly trying to mentally work through. I've had quite a few opportunities to "work" on it because after the first miscarriage I had a friend and cousin who were about ready to give birth, another cousin who had just announced her pregnancy and a very close friend who announced that she was pregnant 2 weeks after we lost our baby.
Being around all of those people has been a real difficulty for me and the hardest part is that other people don't really get it. My mom and my sister know about my miscarriages but they think it's odd that I'm hesitant to hang out with my cousins or friends. To me it's completely natural. Sure, I feel that hesitation but 9 times out of 10 I suck it up and spend time with them and I'm usually glad that I did.
Last night was one of the only instances where I wish I'd have stayed home. Josh and I are really involved with a group of young(ish) married couples. We all get together at least once, sometimes twice, a week. Last night we were all hanging out and the wives kind of separated off and were talking. Out of 4 of us there 2 are pregnant. My original due date was March 13th. Their due dates are February 20th and March 27th. I cannot even describe how difficult it was when the talk was focused on babies, birth, nurseries and how everything always works out in perfect time. I love babies, I love researching birth options, I have multiple inspiration boards for future nurseries and I really do believe that everything does happen for a reason. But for some reason, those conversations hit me really hard last night. It's probably because they've gotten to the obviously pregnant point and I can only imagine what my bump would look like right now if nothing had gone wrong. It just hit me that I should be there too. It should be me joining in the conversation about how much weight I've gained or how big the baby is measuring.
I've been doing so much better lately at looking towards the future lately but last night was really a kick back down. As soon as we got in the car I had a complete breakdown and Josh held my hand while we made the drive home as I was sobbing. I cried brushing my teeth before bed.
This morning I woke up and decided to move forward. I picked myself up and am focusing on the fact that in 3 more days I get to have my first blood draw and finally start us on the path to getting answers. But no matter how positive I am that doesn't really make it better.
I'm sorry this is a novel but it just really needed to get out and now that I've written it I already feel a teensy bit better. Here's to just moving on.
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