My thoughts going into tomorrow's appointment.

Tomorrow morning is the doctor's appointment that I've been waiting for for a month and a half. I couldn't be more excited. We're finally done with our month off and I'm ready to jump back on the baby crazy train. I love knowing that in a little over a month (because of my longer cycles) we could have good news.

Honestly though, I'm also absolutely terrified. My doctor checked some things that we haven't checked before, things like thyroid. I'm scared that my hormones will be even more imbalanced than we originally thought. I'm scared that my progesterone levels will be so low that there's no way a baby could implant. I'm scared that we're going to need to spend a lot of money (even though it would be so worth it) on expensive meds. I'm scared that my doctor will suggest we take more time off.

During the month off I've focused on things other than babies and it's felt like a breath of fresh air. At the same time it's been painful knowing that we didn't even have a chance of moving forward with growing our little family. We needed this month off but I don't know if I could mentally or emotionally handle another one of the same.

I'm ready for answers.

Things not to do when you have an extremely active imagination…

1. Read books that are a little terrifying at night--> Here's looking at you Devil In the White City. Darn you, I can't put you down even after dark! (Book review coming as soon as I finish it!)

2. Go on a walk in the fog with your husband after reading said terrifying book for a few hours.

3. Use the 40 minutes of your walk to explain your terror and the plot of your book to your husband.

4. Include in this description a good 15 minutes spent educating your husband on who Jack the Ripper was, what exactly he did and how he used fog to capture his victims.

I definitely did all of those things last night. I also screamed when a dog growled at us as we were walking by because Josh and I spent all day Sunday having a "Game of Thrones" marathon and an image of a huge direwolf ripping out someone's throat was flashing through my mind. The dog that growled at us was a little terrier. Josh is right, I'm definitely ridiculous.

Bright side- We got to wear our cute, warm hats :)

P.S. Can you tell Josh loves my incessant picture taking? I think that his feelings are pretty obvious.

So those Reese's stuffed Orea things....

...Were the biggest hit of Thanksgiving!!! Sure, the dipping into chocolate was a complete pain (I ended up just doing it with my fingers because apparently I'm not coordinated enough to use salad tongs) but it was SO worth it. Every single one was eaten.

They were great fuel for Black Friday shopping! Ever since we moved in together Josh and I have made it a transition to do the crazy Black Friday thing. This was our third year and I am really a fan of the stores opening up late Thursday night instead of waiting until 4 or 5am on Friday. We were home by 2:30 and actually able to get some good sleep.

Josh and I left his dad's house at 10pm to see what Wal Mart was like. Well, it was terrifying. I'm not a huge fan of Wal Mart under even everyday circumstances and we very rarely shop there (Target, for the win!) but Josh won a $300 gift card through work and there was a killer deal on laptops. My laptop suffered an untimely death a few months ago so the laptop situation was our priority #1. However, when we realized that Wal Mart was an absolute madhouse we left and decided to go stand in line to get into the Mothership (Target of course) when they opened at 12. We waited in line for almost 45 minutes, got in almost immediately and nabbed a kindle (YAY) and a cute little faux leather bomber jacket for my sister.

After that we made a quick stop at Macy's to pre-order a Fossil watch for 25% off. I saw said watch on Pinterest (aka crack) about 3 weeks ago and have been a woman possessed since. I'll be able to pick it up on Wednesday and I'm counting down the days.

Since it was 1am when we left Macy's we decided to give Wal Mart one more shot. Luckily there was no longer a line wrapping around outside just to get in so we walked in and stood in line inside instead. I don't deal with stupid crowds well but we ended up getting the laptop and getting out alive so that's really all that matters. 

Today has been a day of relaxation, setting up the new electronics and cleaning my father in law's kitchen. I commandeered it yesterday to make the Oreo Delights (my brother in law's name for the Reese's Stuffed Oreos) and it looked like a chocolate war zone.

Did you brave the crowds last night/this morning?? If you did, what great deals were you able to pick up?

Thankful Thursday (Literally)

Sometimes, especially during the whole TTC process, it's easy to feel like you have nothing to be thankful for. There are some really hard days where you can't exactly be a ray of sunshine. Today I'm feeling especially grateful and I'm trying to savor this feeling and keep it because I really do have a wonderful life that I'm absolutely loving.

I'm thankful for the strength of Josh and my relationship. Our first 6 months of marriage haven't exactly been all rainbows and kittens. We found out I was pregnant right away, I miscarried, we dealt with that, we went through testing, I got pregnant again and miscarried right away and now we're in the middle of a miserably long month off. But I can honestly say that the past 6 months have been the best of my life. Every emotional breakdown, every test result, every doctor's appointment have made Josh and I stronger as a couple. I'm happier than ever that I can call him my husband and I have more faith than ever before that this is definitely the real deal for us.

I'm thankful for my family. My parents, Josh's parents, our siblings and grandparents. Every single one of them has supported us in some way during this past year. Whether it was through spending every weekend from January to June making cupcakes so the ones for our wedding were guaranteed to be perfect or waiting in the waiting room for me to get out of a doctor's appointment so I didn't have to be there alone or driving an hour and a half to eat puppy chow and watch a Pretty Little Liars marathon with me or even something like a hug every single one of their supportive gestures have meant so much to me. I'm so blessed to have all of them.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I thought that it may be harder this year, just because of the circumstances we've been dealing with  but I'm loving it more than ever. Sometimes all that I need is the opportunity and reason to step back and be happy with the life that I'm living right now.

The Dessert Lady

I'm not sure how it happened but I've been unofficially deemed the dessert lady when it comes down to bringing things to holidays/family functions.

Well, that's a lie. I may know how it happened. You see, I have a bit of a sweet tooth and I love experimenting so one of these may have done it...

 

Chocolate Chip Cupcakes

 

Homemade Crumb Donuts...to die for!

 

Chocolate Souffle

I've also dabbled in cakeballs, all kinds of cookies, vegan baking, pumpkin breads, banana breads, zucchini breads....

I guess it's pretty obvious why I have to bring dessert to Thanksgivings (all 3 of them!) this year. But I'm having a hard time deciding what to make. The all-time favorite was for sure cake balls. Last Thanksgiving I made them in 3 flavors- strawberry, spice and yellow cake. They're going to be hard to live up to this year. 

I had high hopes of making the cake that I mentioned in this post but I'm having second thoughts. Now I'm trying to decide between....

A) Salted Caramel Pie - Recipe and picture below from Big Apple Nosh

 

B) Reese's Stuffed Oreos-  Recipe and picture below from Little Bit Funky

C) Caramel Apple Pie Cupcakes -Recipe and picture below from The Craving Chronicles

Which one do you think I should attempt??

Family Hopping

One of the biggest changes that I'm simultaneously looking forward to and at the same time terrified about when we have kids is holiday planning.

Right now our current strategy for the holidays is something that I affectionately call Family Hopping. If you've ever seen the movie "Four Christmases" you probably understand. Josh and I are incredibly lucky in the fact that all of our immediate family lives in one town. Sure they live on separate sides of one town but they're fairly contained. Josh's parents are divorced so we usually hit up his mom's house, his dad's house and my parents for each holiday. 

This is how it's going to happen this year:

Tomorrow night (the Wednesday before Thanksgiving) we'll be having dinner with my parents, grandparents, brother and sister at my parent's house.

 My parents (sorry for saving a picture that you hate, Mom!) and grandparents with Josh and I

 

On Thanksgiving day we will head up the mountain to have dinner with my father in law's family. There will be uncles, aunts and cousins galore.

 Josh's dad with us on our wedding day

Josh's mom and her side of the family celebrate Thanksgiving on the Saturday, 2 days after Thanksgiving day. This celebration will also be huge, with extended family included.  

 

Josh's dad and siblings on the left, mom's side and more siblings (plus cutest nephews ever) on the right 

 

And my favorite picture ever of me with my sweet brothers in law and husband

It's a similar story for Christmas. Celebrating with my parents the weekend before, Josh's mom Christmas Eve and morning and Josh's dad for the remainder of the day.

I like how we're able to (and work really hard at) including everyone in our holiday celebrating because I think that being around family during the holiday season is the whole point. However, it's gotten to the point where most of the time spent at any given stop feels like a minor pit stop before we move on to the next place. It's hard to really enjoy each individual family celebration and relax.

Last night Josh and I took a walk and were discussing how *hopefully* this will be our last pre-kids holiday season and how we foresee things changing. The changes probably won't happen when our first is an infant but once they are able to appreciate Christmas and understand at least partially what's going on we'd like to be at home. We want to be able to start traditions with our kids that they'll always remember and we don't want those memories to consist of just being hauled around until the point of exhaustion. I'm not sure how we'll maneuver those semi-far in the future holidays but I'm kind of looking forward to the change while at the same time enjoying the mobility that we have right now while it's just Josh and I.

Fitting it all in.

Since daylight savings time hit it feels like my evenings have gotten so short! It's hard to fit everything in. Since it's become so dark so early I had a nice little chat with my boss last week about making a teeny tiny change to my schedule. Since my commute is an hour long (one way...yuckkkk) I asked if it would be possible for me to take a half hour lunch instead of my normal hour and head out at 4:30 instead of 5. Luckily she's the nicest boss ever and she agreed right away!

This is my second week on my new schedule and it's a doubly good week because it's only a 3 day work week. I've found that having that extra half hour at home really does help but it still feels like a cramped evening.

Tonight's To Do List:

-Get 7DPO blood draw done

-3 (or 4???) mile run with Josh in preparation for our Turkey Trot 5k on Thursday morning

-Make dinner (Buffalo chicken tacos perhaps?)

-Finish putting away laundry and pack us for Thanksgiving weekend

-Make dessert for Thanksgiving festivities (Doesn't this recipe look SPECTACULAR???)

-Clean kitchen

 

Reasons I love to run.

1. Stress Relief. I know I've mentioned it before but running is magical as a stress reliever for me. There's nothing else like it.

2. It's basically free. At least that's what I tell Josh :) You don't really need much to be successful at it. I personally think that a good pair of running shoes is an absolute must investment but other than that all you need is a place to run. Of course if you're a shopaholic like I am you'll use it as an excuse to buy more Nike tempo shorts and ear warmers and tech shirts than you'll ever need. But if you have self control (unlike me) that isn't a problem.

3. Alone time with me. I'm really busy all the time. I do a lot of running around to get things done at work, I commute a total of 2 hours every day and our weekends are always jam packed. Even when I'm in the car I have the radio on and when I'm at home the TV is on, even if I'm folding clothes or doing something else. When I run I have time to think...or to turn my mind off and not think, which is sometimes even more rejuvenating. I've heard so many people (my mom included) say that they do their best thinking in the shower. I do my best thinking on a run.

4. It gives me self confidence. If 3 or 4 years ago you would have told me that someday I'd run a half marathon I would've laughed in your face. I didn't think that I was capable of pushing myself to accomplish something like that. Since I started running I feel like I can do anything if I work at it hard enough.

5. There's nothing like the thrill of a race. Absolutely nothing....at least nothing that I've experienced so far. The comraderie between all of the runners is amazing. Everyone is there in a competition with themselves (to get through that extra distance, to set a personal record, etc.) and it feels like all of the other runners are your teammates in that competition. 

I'm looking forward to running my second annual Turkey Trot on this Thanksgiving Thursday morning and I couldn't be more thrilled! My sister and Josh are running with me and I'm so thankful that we'll be sharing the experience.

Rough days and getting through them.

I've been doing my best to stay positive both in real life and on the blog lately…but I had a rough night last night. It was probably one of my worst emotional breakdowns since the last MC/chemical pregnancy.

I've had a lot of issues with pregnancy jealousy. It's something that I hate about my feelings right now and something I'm constantly trying to mentally work through. I've had quite a few opportunities to "work" on it because after the first miscarriage I had a friend and cousin who were about ready to give birth, another cousin who had just announced her pregnancy and a very close friend who announced that she was pregnant 2 weeks after we lost our baby.

Being around all of those people has been a real difficulty for me and the hardest part is that other people don't really get it. My mom and my sister know about my miscarriages but they think it's odd that I'm hesitant to hang out with my cousins or friends. To me it's completely natural. Sure, I feel that hesitation but 9 times out of 10 I suck it up and spend time with them and I'm usually glad that I did.

Last night was one of the only instances where I wish I'd have stayed home. Josh and I are really involved with a group of young(ish) married couples. We all get together at least once, sometimes twice, a week. Last night we were all hanging out and the wives kind of separated off and were talking. Out of 4 of us there 2 are pregnant. My original due date was March 13th. Their due dates are February 20th and March 27th. I cannot even describe how difficult it was when the talk was focused on babies, birth, nurseries and how everything always works out in perfect time. I love babies, I love researching birth options, I have multiple inspiration boards for future nurseries and I really do believe that everything does happen for a reason. But for some reason, those conversations hit me really hard last night. It's probably because they've gotten to the obviously pregnant point and I can only imagine what my bump would look like right now if nothing had gone wrong. It just hit me that I should be there too. It should be me joining in the conversation about how much weight I've gained or how big the baby is measuring.

I've been doing so much better lately at looking towards the future lately but last night was really a kick back down. As soon as we got in the car I had a complete breakdown and Josh held my hand while we made the drive home as I was sobbing. I cried brushing my teeth before bed.

This morning I woke up and decided to move forward. I picked myself up and am focusing on the fact that in 3 more days I get to have my first blood draw and finally start us on the path to getting answers. But no matter how positive I am that doesn't really make it better.

I'm sorry this is a novel but it just really needed to get out and now that I've written it I already feel a teensy bit better. Here's to just moving on.

Coping Mechanisms.

When I'm frustrated or overwhelmed with something (waiting for an engagement, wedding planning, TTC…) there are some things that I always do to basically "find a way to get through it."

I run. I not only run recreationally but I set specific running goals, go crazy registering for races and training, read running blogs, buy new running shorts (Nike tempos forever!!), etc. Case in point: I ran a half marathon a week and a half ago, I'm registered for another one on December 4th and I'm running a 5k on Thanksgiving. I've been logging about 30 miles per week. I have 2 new running shirts AND a new running bumper sticker on my car.

I plan. Since I have a very type A personality and always feel like I need to be in control giving something up completely without any intervention from me is something that I really super struggle with. Since I have to take time off from TTC planning and just wait (I'm so bad at waiting) I use the time to plan (control) other things. Case in point: I scheduled one of Josh and my friends to come up this weekend, planned a 21st birthday celebration for my brother in law, planned a trip down to SoCal to visit my sister and I've made a list of places that Josh and I can drive to in California that I'd like to visit on weekends. I've also planned out our move to the letter, I have a spreadsheet with what is going in what box. I've also completed our wedding photo album (finally).

I try to de-stress. HA. I think this mechanism is completely counter-productive because even though I'm doing relaxing things I'm planning out what I'm going to do to relax. I doubt it's helpful but at least it makes me feel like I'm just "letting go." Case in point: I've planned out my yoga class schedule for the next month.

Yeeeeeeeikes. You think I'm stressed much? At least I'm getting things done!

I'm going to throw a party.

I'm ovulating today! It's about time…cycle day 28. I got a very very positive OPK last night and this morning so it looks like my body is finally getting to work.

This means bloodtests next Saturday, Monday and Wednesday. I'm rescheduling my doctor's appointment for the week after Thanksgiving so that we actually have all of my bloodtest results for the appointment. Hopefully they give us the information that we need to set in motion Operation:Sticky Baby.

In other news, the "easy listening" radio station that we always have on at work started playing Christmas music today. I love Christmas (I may have even made Josh watch the first Christmas movie of the season last night) but when you have to listen to Christmas music for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week it's easy to get burnt out on it. Last year they started with the music on November 1st so at least this is a little improvement.

Just A Peek.

Things have been SUPER crazy around here lately.

*Life has consisted of a LOT of running….

 Half marathon- Check :)

*Some Halloween celebrations…

Mr. Lumberjack (Josh grew his beard out ALL month for his costume...we shaved it off the day after. It kept going up my nose when he'd kiss me!)

Mrs. Lumberjill

*Busy weekends with Josh where I cannot even be bothered to wash my hair (so I just plop a hat on my head instead)…

 

*Cooking! I've tried all of these recipes from Pinterest and I HIGHLY recommend every single one.

I'm still waiting to ovulate. If you remember, I can't have any of my bloodtests done until after ovulation. So it'd be super great if my ovaries would get on the ball! I'm crossing my fingers for that to happen this weekend so that I can lose some serious blood and get some serious answers.

Countdown to my next doctor's appointment: 12 DAYS!!!