Ways I distract myself so I don't become obsessive compulsive

Yesterday morning I woke up and POAS (pee'd on a stick). It was a negative OPK but still really dark. My temperature didn't go up so I knew that I hadn't ovulated. I don't do well with this part of the cycle. This is the part that, even more than the two week wait, brings out my inner crazy. How did I handle the rest of the day?

I went on a run. 

I went to church and lunch with Josh and my father-in-law and my 2 brothers in law.

 We came home and I pee'd on a stick...again. 

I turned on the movie Julie and Julia to distract myself. Unfortunately I'd forgotten that the movie had an underlying infertility theme. It really only depressed me.

 I gave myself a DIY mani-pedi.

I went on Facebook. That was a huge fail because one of my friends had just posted a 30 picture pregnancy album that included ultrasound pictures, a maternity shoot and pictures from their recent babymoon. I may have thrown my phone across the room more than once.

I cried. I did. I had a complete emotional breakdown while analyzing pictures of OPKs and blowing on my nails trying to help them dry.

I ran again. While we were wedding planning and I'd get extremely stressed out all I'd really need was a run. Afterward I'd feel much better. I figured it was worth a try but it didn't work this time. Shoot.

I gave up trying to distract myself, made dinner (breakfast!!!) and watched a comedian (Jim Gaffigan) with Josh. I laughed so hard that I cried and somewhere in the middle my funk just lifted off my shoulders and I'd gotten through the worst.

This morning I took my temperature and it's still pre-ovulation so I'm positive that it hasn't happened yet. I also POAS (shocking...) and the OPK is still pretty dark so we're just waiting it out. The only thing that really worries me is that I haven't had any real CM to speak of for the past few days. I guess all I can do is wait it out now!

Out of nowhere....

I got an almost positive OPK today? On cycle day 13?

  In the months and months that I've been charting I've never ovulated earlier than day 21. Not one single time. I've been having withdrawals since it's been so long since I peed on a stick of any kind so I talked Josh into letting me try out an OPK today and I got this.

I'm guessing that it'll be fully positive by the morning, something I definitely wasn't expecting. So instead of having about a week until O I probably have about 24 hours. Crazy.

I haven't had any egg-white CM (TMI? Probably) so I'm still waiting for that to show but it looks like we're officially getting this show on the road!

Things that I'm loving right now

1. These shoes. I bought them the day before Christmas when I was picking up a last minute gift for my brother in law and I've honestly been almost living in them every day since. I just cannot talk myself into wearing heels when these are the alternative. It's these or boots and that's all.

2. The book Matched by Ally Condie. Wow. I was completely sucked into this book and that hasn't  happened to me in awhile. I really enjoyed the Hunger Games series and this book seemed like a cross between that and the tried and true classic, The Giver. Apparently Matched is part of a trilogy but I've only read the first book so far. I started it earlier this week and had trouble putting it down. Luckily, since I have my handy dandy Kindle, I can download the second book in the trilogy right away and I plan on doing that a little later this afternoon after I finish up some things around the house.

3. Spin. I know I've mentioned it quite a few times lately but it's one of my new favorite workouts. After experimenting with some different instructors this week my sister and I have decided that we definitely have a favorite. Since we don't want our running to lose any steam because of spin we've decided to go to spin twice a week (the days that our favorite instructor teaches) as a little treat. 

 4. Being in the same town as our families. Last week we were able to go to my mom's house to celebrate my brother's birthday without worrying about having to drive home on a work night. We were able to go out with Josh's family to celebrate his sister's birthday (January is a big birthday month for our family). It's so nice to be able to spend more time with them. It really energizes us.

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5. Pinterest. Some days I get sucked in for just hours! It's like this beautiful perfect world where all food is delicious and your home/outfits are perfectly color coordinated, classy and DIY! There's no other place where you can find a great cookbook recommendation, words to calm your soul or a recipe suggestion that changes your dinner plans in a split second.

6. This quiet weekend. We only have 1 plan for this weekend and that is church tomorrow morning. Today we were planning on going up to clean our house before we show it to potential renters but that was rescheduled to next weekend due to truck/extra manpower availability leaving us with a free day. Josh is working on projects around the house with his dad while I am tidying everything up, doing some laundry and hopefully jumping into the Matched sequel. We may go catch a movie tonight since we have some theater gift cards from Christmas but we may not...and that's okay. Having no plans is the perfect plan in my eyes for this weekend.

Just in case we go to the movies, does anyone have a good recommendation? I saw We Bought A Zoo with my sister last weekend and LOVED it! I'm tempted to encourage Josh to take me to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D...

Second guessing everything

I just thought it all out this morning and for the first time realized that even though we've taken just 2 cycles off we haven't actively tried to get pregnant since SEPTEMBER. This is January. That seems like a really long time and it definitely explains the way that I've been feeling lately. I'm straight up scared. I'm second guessing how to do everything this cycle.

As I was rambling to one of my best TTC friends this morning about all of my concerns she said something that really defined it for me. It feels like it's been so long since we've actually been trying and I've completely built up this first cycle "back" in my head to the point where I feel like everything has to be absolutely perfect so that it's successful.

I definitely feel that pressure. When we were trying every month I had a set plan and I never really thought twice about it. I started taking OPKs the day after my period ended. We baby danced as much as we could, most of the time every day in the week leading up to O and the day after. I did incline walking every day plus some strength training during the two week wait but I cut out my normal running routine. I cut out alcohol during the two week wait. All very plain and simple.

This time I just have so many questions about what the best thing to do would be. I haven't started OPKs yet and I'm already more than halfway to ovulation. I'm terrified about the whole when to do it question…is every day too much? Would we get better quality if we skipped a day? We have no reason at all to doubt the little men but I'm just so paranoid. Should I keep doing spin during the two week wait? I'd hate to give up my new favorite workout but I workout really hard and get pretty warm. Is it too much? I'm still cutting alcohol. I'm taking all of my pills (last time I counted we were at 12 a day…fun!) and will continue to religiously.

For the past few months I've gotten through the time off cycles by just telling myself that we were spending the time making everything perfect to try again so that we have great success right away and a sticky pregnancy. Now that the cycle is here instead of in the indefinite future it's starting to hit me that it may not work. I may not get pregnant this month. I may get pregnant and miscarry again. Those fears scare me so much that I've gone into complete control freak mode and don't know how to turn it off!

Any suggestions on how to bring myself down a notch? Or thoughts on those questions that I've been obsessing over? Deep breaths...

Just a little bit of everything

Being busy really makes the month/cycle go by SO fast it's amazing. I'm now on CD8 and feel like the cycle just started yesterday.

For most people this would be the exciting week before O where you do what you can to get some little men ready to stick. Unfortunately, I’m a late ovulater so my bet is that I still have 2 weeks before I ovulate. It tends to happen on days 21 or 22 for me and it's been fairly consistent so I'm guessing that it'll stick.

This may be TMI (isn't this whole topic??) but AF this month was different than normal. I don't know if one acupuncture session could make a difference or if it's because my progesterone is balancing out due to my thyroid straightening out but whatever did it, I'll take it. I had no spotting before, AF just showed up right on time on 15DPO first thing in the morning. I usually also spot on CD5 but this time that day was still full fledged AF. On day 6 I spotted a tiny bit in the morning but then AF was just…over. Usually I spend 1 or 2 days at the end just spotting and I was really surprised about how it all worked out this month. Hopefully it means that everything was cleaned out well so that we can build a fabulous lining this month to get a sticky bean!

On that note, I'm a pretty solid mix of absolutely terrified and excited. I kind of feel some of the early TTC excitement coming back, probably because we've had a few months off. At the same time I'm extremely jaded by both my experiences of this past year and of the experiences of so many women that I've come to "know" in this process. I feel like I was so lucky to conceive twice pretty quickly, what if our luck has run out and now we have problems with that aspect too? Josh is really optimistic and that's rubbing off but I still have a huge ball of anxiety in my gut.

At the moment I'm focusing on other things. We're still getting settled after the move and I also just joined a gym in our new town so I've been spending quite a bit of time exploring the classes there and what they have to offer. I've fallen completely in love with spin classes, I actually went to one at 5:30 this morning before work, which is completely out of character. I am not a morning person. I'm also enjoying the yoga classes that they offer but my love affair with yoga is nothing new!

This has basically just been a ramble to catch up so consider us caught up ;)

**By the way, I loved reading the responses on my diet post!! Hope, I just bought the cookbook that you mentioned in your comment and I'm so excited to try it out! Baking is one of my one true loves and I've really missed it! Amy and Toni, at first I thought I was just going to give it a few weeks to see how it felt but now it's legitimately one of the best decisions I've made during this process and it's definitely worth a try!

How my diet has changed

I've always had some stomach issues and have kind of waffled between thinking that they are lactose issues or a gluten sensitivity.

I gave up dairy in April and never really looked back. I had more energy and the month after I cut it out of my diet I had signs of natural ovulation for the first time. It may have been a coincidence but I didn't want to chance it so I just continued with my dairy-free diet. I also wasn't eating a lot of meat just because it isn't something that I really crave or enjoy. I did (and still do) eat basically just a lot of chicken and light fish.

When I was diagnosed with thyroid issues last month I did a lot of research. I tend to over-research things and since I'm such a mega control freak I also tend to try to find things that I can personally do to help so that I can feel like I'm doing something other than swallowing some pills. That's why I tried acupuncture and also why I read books on natural ways to increase your fertility like they're going out of style. When I started seeing mentions here and there of how a gluten free diet has had a positive impact on other people's symptoms I became intrigued. A little light clicked on and I thought of my still present (even with my dairy cut out) and persistent stomach issues. When I read what the symptoms of a gluten intolerance could be I started considering trying to leave it behind along with the dairy. I briefly thought about just being medically tested for it but from what I've read it seems like the easiest way to diagnose a problem is by following a gluten free diet and get your answer through how your symptoms improve (or don't).

• Abdominal Distention
• Abdominal Pain and Cramping
• Alternating Bouts of Diarrhea and Constipation
• Anemia
• Arthritis
• Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
• Autism
• Bloating (see Gluten Intolerance Bloating)
• Bone Density Loss
• Borborygmi (stomach rumbling)
• Constipation (see Celiac Disease Constipation)
• Stunted Growth and Failure to Thrive
• Depression, Anxiety and Irritability (see Celiac Depression)
• Dermatitis Herpetiformis (skin rash — see my Dermatitis Herpetiformis article)
• Diabetes
• Diarrhea
• Fatigue
• Malodorous Flatulence
• Malodorous Stools
• Gluten Ataxia (see my Gluten Ataxia article)
• Grayish Stools
• Hair Loss (Alopecia)
• Headaches and Migraines
• Hypoglycemia
• Infertility
• Joint pain
• Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis
• Lactose intolerance
• Mouth sores or mouth ulcers
• Nausea
• Numbness or tingling in the patient’s hands and feet
• Osteoporosis
• Peripheral Neuropathy (including either a tingling or sensation of swelling your toes and fingers)
• Sjogren’s Disease
• Steatorrhea (high lipids in the stool, which may cause the stool to float)
• Teeth and Gum Problems
• Turner Syndrome
• Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies
• Vomiting
• Unexplained Weight loss

Source

So I did it. Like I do most things I jumped right in with both feet and cut all the gluten from my diet as of the next day. It's been about a month now and I can honestly say that I haven't cheated at all. Overall, I feel much better. My digestion issues seem to have really improved and I feel like I have a lot more energy. The fact that my thyroid number came back fabulous doesn't hurt either.

I didn't realize how much gluten was present in my diet until I gave it up but since I did I've had a lot of fun experimenting with new recipes and cooking/baking methods (recipes to come soooooon). Another good effect has been that I've been forced to concentrate on vegetables and animal protein. I think that that, in turn, has had an effect on my anemia and general lack of nutrients. I also attempt to eat a low GI diet (recommended for us lucky PCOSers because of insulin resistance) and the fact that I can't eat gluten has definitely made that easier as well.

All in all, I'm going to stick with it. Are there any other gluten free ladies out there? Have you seen any health changes come from it?

We're still alive!

Well we survived moving weekend!!!! Barely….

I was PMS-y and that combined with my normal control freak behavior got to be a little much at some points but I think that Josh handled it well. We hit some road bumps with storage unit/U-Haul rental hours due to the holiday but it all worked out.

We spent all day Saturday packing and loading the big items into the truck that we rented (27 feet….huuuuge) and at about 8pm we called it quits and headed to my parents' house to ring in the new year. We resumed on Sunday and didn't get to the house in Fresno with the loaded U-Haul until 10:30pm. There were some things that we are keeping at my father in law's house instead of in the storage unit (an extra fridge, some bookshelves, my treadmill, etc.) and those things still needed to be unloaded so by the time we finished with that it was a little after midnight. The boys left at 6:30 Monday morning to take the truck over to our storage unit and unpack everything. I got up a little after that and started what turned into a long day of organizing.

With a break for brunch with the boys and a break to check out the new natural foods store in town with my sister the day was manageable and I am so thankful that it's all done. I don't handle things being in a state of disarray well at all, it just makes me anxious and irritable.

I told Josh that I never want to move again but obviously since we're with my father in law for the time being we'll probably be moving again in just a few short months. At this point I don't even care where we're living right now, I'm just thankful to be settled somewhere!

AF showed up right on time after a picture perfect 14 day luteal phase yesterday morning so today is day 2 of our first trying cycle since September!!!! Hopefully I'll be ovulating within the next few weeks and headed in the right direction again :)